So the spark plug wires the shop made used the wrong boots, so the coils being mounted terminal down made the boot a nice cup for water and debris to collect. Before I got the car back they rinsed and wiped down the engine bay, and the water from that led to corrosion on all four terminals in only a few months (in dry heat). Also, they were not in a color I wanted.
Enter Scott's Performance Wire:
The weirdest part of the process was that although each coil and coil wire harness was numbered, the plug wires were routed as follows:
Coil 1 -> Cylinder 3
Coil 2 -> Cylinder 1
Coil 3 -> Cylinder 2
Coil 4 -> Cylinder 4